Parenting is Hard. Don't make it Harder. Be Consistent.

The  most challenging job I have ever taken on, is being a mother. I jumped into this gig with no real knowledge about what it would entail. I mean, I did hear all the horror stories about bodily fluids, the zombie-like first year with no sleep, the tantrums and how unappreciated I would feel. That came in loud and clear and on repeat. In all honesty, when I was younger I never even intended to have kids. I never wanted a child to feel the way I had growing up, this world was cruel and scary and not any place for children. I was so adamantly against it, that sometimes when I run into people I used to know, the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song runs through my head...."So this is a story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down..." (opening line for my testimony someday lol) I digress...

 Despite all of this, I became a mom. I have survived 4 newborns, 4 births, at least 100 tantrums,(and counting) and sooo many bodily fluids. I have lived through heartbreaks and sibling arguments, potty training and countless other parenting challenges. Being responsible for the life of another human being is an outrageous task, yet here we all are, doing it anyways.

 Look, I get that most of us are just trying to survive being parents, but there is so much more to it than that. I did not grow up instinctively knowing how to be a good mom, and most weeks I fall shorter than I would like. However, I look at that as an opportunity to learn and to grow and to GET BETTER at it. What is a good mom? It might take me a few blogs to describe that all the way, but tonight I want to talk about Fruit. Yes. Fruit.

 Now, I am not a gardener. But even I know how much work and time goes into taking care of plants. An apple tree needs to be pruned, watered, fertilized and harvested. When you have no idea how to take care of your garden, you ask for help from someone who knows more than you do, right? All the work you put into the tree produces fruit, and the more work you put in, the better the fruit comes out. The same is true of children.

  (Disclaimer: I understand that some of us are raising children with disabilities, challenges, and traumas. The amount of work you put in often results in less fruit than you expected, or you end up with a few dry years between harvests, or even just lemons when you thought you were growing apples. For you, some of this is not relevant. )

   Getting back to the point. As moms, our children are a big part of the fruit we produce with our lives. I know that we are not responsible for ALL their choices alright? So, chill. I can hear you getting all defensive from here. But I want to be really real with you. Even if some of it is hard to hear.



   People ask me all the time, "What is one piece of advice you would give a new parent?" Well, here it is; Be consistent. AT ALL TIMES. When you are tired, when you find it kinda funny, when you are in a great mood so it isn't bothering you right now, in public, at home, in the car and after bedtime when they ask for another drink of water.  Love consistently, correct behaviors consistently, teach values consistently. Parenting is a boatload of repetition. Because tired or not, you are responsible for this little human growing into an adult. They need to hear it a million times. They need the reminders so that it becomes common sense to them like it is to you. To be honest? Often when I am correcting my kid's behaviors or attitudes, I take a minute to reflect on myself and make sure I haven't been acting that way too. Not only do they need to hear it, they need to see it in ACTION. I want my kids to be loving and kind. Which means they need to see me be loving and kind....a million times. Even when it is hard. Even when they know I have a hard time with that person.  Not only do they need to hear it, and see it in action, they need to talk it through. Sometimes that looks like late night conversations with my oldest, or last minute talks with my son as I tuck him in, or random outbursts and blurt outs from my 5 year old while we are in the van driving somewhere. Consistent does not mean saying NO on repeat. It means sticking to what you taught them and helping them learn it from every angle so they really understand it. One definition of consistent is this; acting or done in the same way over time, especially so as to be fair or accurate. It is Fair, to do something the same way over enough time that it becomes part of their nature.

     Now, because of the things I believe in, I also want to add that this process takes a ton of grace and patience. These tiny things under your command are precious, and human. which means that they WILL mess up, have off days and go through year long phases that you spend praying that all your consistency is sticking somewhere. ( Hello year 3!) Correct inappropriate behaviors quickly, but with grace and patience.

     The more often that you let things slide, or allow bad behavior to be rewarded to just to end the tantrum, or choose to put up with something because it isn't that bad....the more work you create for yourself later, and the harder it is for everyone in your family or anyone who is trying to help you sow into your children. Teach your children that their behavior matters more than just because you said so. They are powerful enough even at a young age to affect the environment around them. Teach them how to use that power for good. Kids should not feel like they have to obey just because they are told, there is more to it than that. They need to understand the power of their words, and the power of their choices, which includes consequences.

   Ask yourself, what is important for your children to learn? What kind of adults do you want them to be? Once you know that...work for it. I want my Children to love like Jesus. I want my children to value emotional intelligence as well as conventional intelligence. I want my children to be very aware of what they bring to each interaction, and I want them to add a beauty to this world that is hard to find these days. I want confident, bold and strong kids. I want respectful, polite and forgiving children. Are they going to get it right all the time? Do I? No. But I also know that the more, and consistent effort that I put into them now, the closer they will be to reaching these goals before they are on their own. The fruit of my labors. I am willing to put in the work now, to help set them up to be successful when they reach the point when I am no longer their teacher and leader, but am now more of a guide and sounding board.

   I want to touch lightly on one more point before I end this novel of a blog. Ask. For. Help. Do you see behaviors in someone's children that you would love for your kids to have? Do you notice a relationship between parent and child that you really respect? Are you having a hard time? Go to them and ask! Get to know them, have coffee or lunch together. None of us know it all but some of us have figured out some good things! We are meant to do community together! So let someone in, and  allow them to speak into your life and that of your children! Raising kids calls for backup frequently! (More on building a village on a future blog.) But get out there, and stop being embarrassed that you don't have it all together. Nobody does. You might have something they have been missing too.

Parenting is hard.

The End. :)

Depression and ADD- Let's talk.

I have battled ADD and Chronic Depression for all the years I can remember. When I was 15, I was also diagnosed with Oppositional Defiance Disorder and PTSD. When I first got that diagnosis, I wore it like a cloak. Finally something that defined and explained me! Finally someone made me feel validated and understood. Finally. It was such a relief.

   I had been on anti depression medication already, several different kinds actually. Nothing had helped. I was still failing in school, too anxious to even get out of bed and face the people and the pressure that awaited me there. I missed so many days. I slept every day when I got home. It was all I could do to make it in the door before I would pass out. It was so draining just to do life. It was so hard to feel Joy, or light hearted even. Everything felt so heavy. It was equivalent to running on soft sand. I forgot things constantly, almost instantly. I lost lip gloss, pencils, money, shoes, clothes, keys....basically everything because I was so absent minded when I set it down. I dropped out of High school because by then I had fallen so far behind it felt hopeless to continue. I didn't get my license until I was 17 because I failed the written test 3 times. Once I missed a question, the feeling of failure clouded my mind and added up to more missed questions and another failed test. 

   When I was 16 I chose to change my life and live it better. I gave my life to follow Jesus. I had very little idea what that meant at the time, except that it sounded so much more promising than the life I was currently living. Progress was slow at first. Change came painfully and after much rebelling. However, it did come. By 18 years old I started to even out a bit. I got off medications. I found out about lists and got a little more organized. At 19 I got married to an amazing man. He helped me realize how strong I really was, and introduced me to incredibly Joy. Going to church, singing worship, reading my Bible, all of these things helped me stay level, and light. I still fought depression and ADD. But this time I was winning, and faster than before. I recognized it now, named it, and banished it. ( sometimes this takes me a month, sometimes three days.) 

   At 21 years old, I had my first daughter. I got really sick after that. Physically and Mentally. I spiraled. I think it was postpartum depression, but I didn't know enough then. It took me a very long time to find my feet again. My husband constantly by my side cheering me on, speaking positive truth in my ear to combat the enemy lies. He reminded me that I was powerful and so was God and that I needed to get back to the things that were helping me before. I did, and it helped again. 

  After three more beautiful kiddos, and many other battles with Depression and ADD, I stand before you a 30 year old woman. My faith is the strongest it has ever been. My time studying the Word of God increases every year. I love, now more than ever, times of corporate worship and independent worship. They calm my soul and ground me. 

    I still battle. Today I laid in my bed and cried for 30 min. Because when you have ADD, your emotions get out of control. When you fight depression, sometimes your bed is the initial battle grounds. I also have Endometriosis and the treatment for that is Hormones so... an extra dose of mood swings for someone who already juggles HUGE emotions due to executive functioning impairment. (Google it. I had too.) 

   Days like today I just want to fly away to another state and be alone, so no one else's emotions have to interfere with my own. Days like today, nothing makes sense and I FEEL everything. Today is the day that I recognize what I am feeling again. Today is step one in another battle that I won't quit. Even though I want to. Even though I currently feel like I am losing. I have beaten it before. I will again. And again. 

    I have a daughter. I am teaching her to fight. I am teaching her about big emotions, and a God who saves and transforms. I am teaching her not to quit. She will know that her BIG EMOTIONS, are also a gift. That she has a capacity to love that will amaze her. She will love people deeply, quickly and forever. She will struggle too, but she will also win. She has already fought a few battles with me, and though she is little, she is fierce. 

I fight for myself, and when that is not enough, I fight for my family, for my daughter.

Jesus, I pray against depression, add, odd, ptsd, and other mental illness. I pray for relief from the symptoms, and from the sickness itself. Jesus, I believe in your power and your grace. Clear my mind, lighten my heart, strengthen my resolve. I am your warrior, and am battle weary. Please Lord, lift me again and fight for me. I am yours Jesus. Thank you for the edifying words from my husband, thank you for your still small voice that I can still hear over the lies of the enemy. Thank you for loving me and caring about who I am and what I struggle with. These illnesses do not define me. They are not allowed to run my life. Praise to your name Lord.

More about that exercise thing....

 Alright. Bear (raar) with me tonight, this may get a little scattered. I have a lot on my mind and have been spending my days mostly talking with small versions of my husband and I and googling random animal facts and weather patterns. Let's start with my Nineveh/Fitness stuff.

I did a new thing. Partly because I get bored easily, partly because I can't drag 4 kids to the gym with me everyday anymore, and partly because I am still searching. What is it I am searching for? Same thing you are. I am searching for my why, my motivation, the thing that works with my lifestyle. I am searching for the right path. Guys, losing weight, getting fit, changing a lifestyle...Is so dang hard. I have been fighting a huge internal battle over this whole thing. Part of me really loves working out and I obviously feel better when I eat right, but Quick food is so much easier, and I really like sugary coffee and baked treats, and the freedom to eat whatever I please. I also eat late at night when my kids have gone to bed and I can zone out for 45 min before I fall asleep. I have bad habits, and the biggest problem is, I like them. I am in this battle of wanting to stay inside my comfort zone, and wanting change. So, back to that thing I did. I joined a friend for a "November Push" challenge with Beach Body. (not that I expect a beach body mind you.) I am looking for some outside motivation since...internally I don't have a lot of "Push" left. So here is to trying a new thing, and staying active.  Also, anyone who wants to work out with me, let me know and I will clean most of my living room so you can join in. ;)

Someday I hope to get back to a gym and lifting weights, but for now, I am going to kick my butt at home and do plank with a two year old under me and HIIT cardio with a 4 year old copying my everymove. I will answer school questions while I drip sweat on my own floor. I will stay up too late some nights and I will probably post way more than I need to. Here is to winning an impossible battle. #nineveh

In the quiet.

It's dark outside. My house is finally quiet enough that I can hear the cars whooshing by and the fan on my computer while I stare at the screen. My husband is texting me from Academy, and I am wrestling with some internal monsters. The night is quiet, but my soul is anything but. I am embarrassed. Overwhelmed. Exhausted. Depressed. A stark contrast to where I was a few months ago.
  I was working out every morning, drinking all the water, eating better than I ever have in my life, and there was so much balance. Then, my feet got injured, my dad passed away, my grandma passed away, school started, my husband left to Academy, and life started to just spin out of control, and so did all the precariously balanced activities I was so proud of. I lost the ground I had gained. My clothes fit tight again, my energy levels dropped, and my ability to choose my health over my comfort, was lost completely.
    I was going to give up entirely. I was resigned to being overweight my whole life. I gave up on the idea of that healthy, high energy, motivator that I wanted to be. All of a sudden, it just wasn't worth it. I threw in the towel. I was disappointed in myself, but I just wanted to eat whatever I wanted and sit on my couch at night and relax.
However, I am married to a man who is not a quitter. I am married to the pushiest person I know. I am married to a man who believes I can do anything. He called me out. In a big way. Here I was telling him how I want more ministry opportunities, and how I want to reach people and encourage them....and he asks me why I stopped working out and eating right? He proceeds to remind me how that was affecting the people around me. I told him... I just don't want to anymore. I can't. He fixes me with a smirk and disapproving eyebrows and says. "I don't want to go to Nineveh."...............
    Nineveh. That hit like a ton of bricks. (If you don't know the story of Jonah and WHY he was swallowed by the whale, rent yourself the veggie tales version, then go read about it...in the bible.) I could not even look him in the eyes. I started crying. Then I started laughing. I felt so stupid. I felt frustrated. I did NOT want to go to Nineveh. I had already quit. I was walking away one sweet treat at a time. O.K., 10 or 12 sweet treats at a time....
     So now, I sit here, convicted. What is next? What do I do with it? I could stay sitting. Free Will gives me the option to choose to eat, sit, mope, walk away, whatever I want.
     I have a lot to work through, but I have a God who loves me, and a husband who will never let me settle for anything less than my best. I am going to spend some time finding my WHY again. For now? I am going to start moving again. I choose to start with movement. Sweaty Selfies coming your way friends. #Nineveh
     

Let's talk about Vision.

      Life is hard. It doesn't seem to matter who you are or where you are from, at some point, you have no idea where you are going, and at some point, you go through a pain you think you will never recover from. I have been in those dark places where you just cannot fathom how the rest of the world is still going on, and it forces you to go with it.
     
     The trials you go through, however,give beautiful shape to your life. Instead of being blinded by pain,your vision can be renewed by perspective. This has been true in my life. I keep asking God to change my sight, to see what he needs me to see, and he is Faithful. He has given me the ability to look at painful situations, while allowing me to feel ALL the emotions, and see what they are really building. When we left for Haiti, almost two years ago, I was ready for anything. I was ready to stay there for years to take care of the young women who needed a house. I was ready to live in a third world country and take on the life of a missionary. Today? That may have been on my list of top 10 most painful things I have ever gone through. But I surrendered. (over and over again) I asked God to bring me back, and to lighten up my dark vision. To use what I had walked through to give me better insight. I asked God why. Guess what? He Faithfully showed me. The Ministry we were working with is stronger now than it ever has been. There is so much better understanding and communication, my in laws are in a better, safer place, and I am stronger. I could have been angry with God. (Heaven knows I tried to be.) I could have been swallowed by the feeling of failure that coming home hit me with. I could have just quit chasing after God because sometimes it hurts, but I did none of that. Instead? I grew. I changed. Again.

     Life is about change. I love God. This last year and a half, I learned how to pray like a warrior and not like a beggar. I learned how forgiveness and the LOVE of God can get you through ANYTHING this world can throw at you. I learned, that I can ask God to help ME see things in a different way, and to help ME change so that the situation I am in, is able to change! When you leave room for change, and you invite God in to do the remodeling, you are amazed at the work that can be done.

   My oldest Daughter has a best friend/Aunt that lives 10 months out of the year in Haiti. Their relationship is so incredibly special. I don't know two more bonded little girls. I joke that they are twins, despite differences like age, color, and attitudes. :) Every year they have the joy of counting down until Lizzy comes home to us. Also, Every year they have the burden of knowing that Goodbye is painful and coming fast. You know what is great though? As they grow older, they will have an intimate knowledge of the power that loves holds. They will grow up knowing a love that never quits, despite the hard parts. They pray for each other , they send each other letters and pictures and they stay connected.None of this makes goodbye any less painful, and they miss one another deeply in between. But they still count down every year until they meet again. My daughter, although very emotional, is going to grow up with the ability to see things with grace, and patience, and love. She will have a faith that will move mountains and with she will have the strength to wait JOYFULLY upon the Lord. God is so good my friends. The art that he can create with the pain this world dishes out, is enough to make you hit your knees in awe and reverence.
 
      He has brought me through a broken home, molestation, bandidos, lies, attacks both physical and verbal, abandonment, death, betrayal, anger, loneliness and bitter hearted goggles, and so much more. He loves me so much, that instead of being done with this small shell of a human, he cleaned out this container and made it new. Because of Him, I can see, and I can see better every day. You guys! Life is HARD. Do something with it. Don't waste the pain. Bring it to the Lord Jesus and allow him to show you the beauty in the ashes.

There is a quietness around my house today. An emotional hush. Everyone is doing only the things they have to, no one wants to miss a minute. There is no fighting today. Only friendship. We all know that it is the last day, that tonight we say good bye, and in the morning things will be very different. In the morning. But right now, Lizzy and Genesis walk everywhere hand in hand. Cyrus and Jonathan are playing silly games with Trinity, Josh is running around in his own imagination, and Janae and Lydia and doing their best to help get ready for tonight while Eden runs around yelling that she is Donatello. My heart loves this natural chaos. I love living side by side with these beautiful people that God has placed in my life. This beautiful family that is passionate and dedicated, selfless and humble, loving and honest, feisty and fun, and mine. A beautiful Mother who fights for her children, A strong Father who gives his best always. My reader, my singer, my cackler, my artist, and my charmer. Today I will soak it all in. Today I will play in the snow and let them eat candy and let them stay up late. I will hold them a little longer, and tell them how important they are one more time. I will kiss them and feed them and pray over them all. We, as a family, will send them out surrounded by an immense love and support. I will cry and I will love them the best I know how. I will hold my daughter who is as emotional as I am and we will cry together. But.....,

      

     

We are sending them out. They are off into war and they are off to save lives. They are off to educate children, feed the starving, heal the sick, and love on the people of Haiti in a way that so many of us cannot. They are leaving one home full of memories, love, and people that they have spent their whole lives with, and going back to their other home, where they do the work of the Lord Jesus Christ and live in Honor and Faith. Bravely and Humbly they step out into the fray and share the truly GOOD NEWS of Hope, Love and Salvation. They fight oppression with their every breath and live to bring light to the darkest places. These warriors are worth the tears. These lovers are worth the Goodbyes. The lives they save, are worth the heartache. 

 

     So, Today I will enjoy my last day the best I can. I will feel all the pain and I will cry all the tears. and in the morning, I will fight beside them. 

Join me in praying for this family of obedient servants. They need every ally available. 

An update from Jake and I.

Dear friends,

Amber and I want to express our deep appreciation for your prayers and support throughout our journey to Haiti.  Having you stand with us in this venture has been so important personally and spiritually.

And what a journey this has been. Its amazing what God has done in our lives in only a few months. To be honest this was one of the most challenging and difficult things we have ever gone through, but God has shown us a priceless perspective on his gospel mission. 

The last three months in Haiti have been learning experience after learning experience. After spending time building relationships with the kids in the orphanage, we were learning to live in a third world country, and pouring time, energy and sweat into Dita's home.  But about a month ago,it became unsafe for us to stay in the place where we were living.   

Initially we thought that if we packed for a few days and went away, the situation could improve. But a few days turned into a week, then two, and then three. After praying for weeks and moving from place to place, and trying to figure out what was to happen next, we felt like God was directing us to come home, as there was nowhere for us to live. The opportunities we had lined up to do ministry were also no longer available for us to pursue.  We called our church and explained the situation and with their support, and that of our family members, we took the steps involved in coming home. 

What did we learn through our Journey?  Although I had been on over a dozen missions trips before moving to Haiti, and my perspective on God’s work was very open to whatever he asked of me, I had not fully grasped how to live His love in the way God wanted me to. 

We also came to understand what Paul tells in the scriptures about our battle really not being against flesh and blood. Never before could we have imagined the amount of spiritual opposition that truly exists in this world. We learned about the place that some people are at spiritually emotionally and physically. I can't even begin to describe what it's like to work alongside people that are so far down in the pit of despair that they don't realize there's anything else. We  learned to share God's love with people who don't think they want it, don't think they need it and yet they're more desperate for it then you've ever seen. 

Despite how difficult, scary and draining this journey has been we do not regret anything, and would never take back the perspective that God has now given us on his kingdom work. We are so excited for what God has planned next for us and how we can use this new perspective to live like Jesus and share His love. We know that we were able to touch a few lives in our journey, and we learned so much about faith and how powerful love really can be. We also know that God already has and will continue to work many good things out of this situation. 

Although this has been a very difficult journey for our family, we wanted to thank all of you so much for supporting us through it, and for providing the opportunity to go and live love. We look forward to seeing you in person, even if it is much sooner than we had planned. We are thankful to be getting back to a safe place for our family, but starting over again so soon is going to be a challenge for us and our kids. Please continue to keep our family in your prayers, and again, thank you so much.

~ With Love and appreciation,

Jake, Amber, Genesis, Cyrus, and Eden.