First goodbyes.

I was doing fine. It was just a normal goodbye to out of town family that had come up to visit us. Genesis was sad, she always hates goodbyes. Cyrus was melting, he forgot to give James one last hug. And I was a little sad, but if I just put it aside and didn't touch it, I would be ok. I was doing fine.  We made it to church, and Genesis was crying giant rolling tears because she missed her Lizzy so bad and she didn't want to wait anymore to see her. (Lizzy is her 6 year old aunt in Haiti that has been her best friend since toddlerhood. ) As I held her and tried to explain that there wasn't much time left until we could see her everyday, I felt the first crack in my compartmentalization. I checked them each into their classrooms, and wandered over towards the worship center. The music was loud, the people friendly, and the feeling and comfort of being HOME seeped in. I sat next to Dora and cracked a few lame jokes, and received a genuine hug. I love my church family. Surrounded by comfort, love and Jesus, I was prepared to sing my heart out to the God I have given my life too. The band dove right into the first song, and it was like someone knew that I needed THAT exact song. There I was, hands in the air, fingers stretched out, reaching higher, wanting God to know that I loved him and that  I have decided to follow him without turning back...and then, the thought creeps up, even when it hurts. That neat little ball of emotions that I had attempted to pack away off to the side to deal with "later", started to well up in my eyes and roll down my cheeks. I am following God. I am so excited for everything that is coming up! But oh! How it can hurt! That wasn't just a normal goodbye, it was the first of my "last" goodbyes.  I LOVED these precious people! The look of sadness on the face of my best friend/ sister in law and my mother, forces me to turn my head every time. Relationships are my life, these people have walked with me through so much, prayed with me, fought with me, and cared enough about me and my family to continue a relationship through all of life's gunk. My children, my beautiful, loving, sensitive children, who have built so many family bonds, are going to have to work through so much heartache. My husband has given up his role of sole provider and is running on faith and God to take care of our financial needs. So the floodgates opened and I could not stop sobbing uncontrollably. As the songs continued I ran to the bathroom and allowed myself a minute to FEEL. I reached in and touched that ball of emotion and it washed over me like a surfer's perfect wave.  I cried out to God to ask him to take away the pain, and immediately changed my mind.  These people were worth FEELING for! They have been such a part of our lives for so long, they mean so much to me! How dare I try to shove that love aside for my own comfort! Even the. Lord God, feels pain for those he loves! When they hurt, he hurts, but he also LOVES! His love can carry that pain and make the load easier to bear. I can LOVE because he first loved me. As I cried, and processed, and cried, I began to get myself back under control. ( so much easier without a giant wild animal of emotions clawing from behind the door.) I cleaned up, and walked back into the music and the worship, lifted my hands again ( this time in surrender) and sang loud to the God who teaches me about all the aspects of Love. My heart still hurts and I know I am not done with goodbyes yet, but God is so good to me, and I know he will speak to my heart to help me through it, and when my feet hit Haitian soil, I will be ready to love more. I will be ready, because He is preparing my heart to love even when it hurts so much you feel like if you touch it you'll be consumed with pain. He is my Champion. With Him, I will not fail, and I will not ever lose. And to everyone whom I love, you will never ever stop being a major part of my life or my heart. I am not able to stop loving you. Thank you for being with me always.