Parenting is Hard. Don't make it Harder. Be Consistent.

The  most challenging job I have ever taken on, is being a mother. I jumped into this gig with no real knowledge about what it would entail. I mean, I did hear all the horror stories about bodily fluids, the zombie-like first year with no sleep, the tantrums and how unappreciated I would feel. That came in loud and clear and on repeat. In all honesty, when I was younger I never even intended to have kids. I never wanted a child to feel the way I had growing up, this world was cruel and scary and not any place for children. I was so adamantly against it, that sometimes when I run into people I used to know, the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song runs through my head...."So this is a story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down..." (opening line for my testimony someday lol) I digress...

 Despite all of this, I became a mom. I have survived 4 newborns, 4 births, at least 100 tantrums,(and counting) and sooo many bodily fluids. I have lived through heartbreaks and sibling arguments, potty training and countless other parenting challenges. Being responsible for the life of another human being is an outrageous task, yet here we all are, doing it anyways.

 Look, I get that most of us are just trying to survive being parents, but there is so much more to it than that. I did not grow up instinctively knowing how to be a good mom, and most weeks I fall shorter than I would like. However, I look at that as an opportunity to learn and to grow and to GET BETTER at it. What is a good mom? It might take me a few blogs to describe that all the way, but tonight I want to talk about Fruit. Yes. Fruit.

 Now, I am not a gardener. But even I know how much work and time goes into taking care of plants. An apple tree needs to be pruned, watered, fertilized and harvested. When you have no idea how to take care of your garden, you ask for help from someone who knows more than you do, right? All the work you put into the tree produces fruit, and the more work you put in, the better the fruit comes out. The same is true of children.

  (Disclaimer: I understand that some of us are raising children with disabilities, challenges, and traumas. The amount of work you put in often results in less fruit than you expected, or you end up with a few dry years between harvests, or even just lemons when you thought you were growing apples. For you, some of this is not relevant. )

   Getting back to the point. As moms, our children are a big part of the fruit we produce with our lives. I know that we are not responsible for ALL their choices alright? So, chill. I can hear you getting all defensive from here. But I want to be really real with you. Even if some of it is hard to hear.



   People ask me all the time, "What is one piece of advice you would give a new parent?" Well, here it is; Be consistent. AT ALL TIMES. When you are tired, when you find it kinda funny, when you are in a great mood so it isn't bothering you right now, in public, at home, in the car and after bedtime when they ask for another drink of water.  Love consistently, correct behaviors consistently, teach values consistently. Parenting is a boatload of repetition. Because tired or not, you are responsible for this little human growing into an adult. They need to hear it a million times. They need the reminders so that it becomes common sense to them like it is to you. To be honest? Often when I am correcting my kid's behaviors or attitudes, I take a minute to reflect on myself and make sure I haven't been acting that way too. Not only do they need to hear it, they need to see it in ACTION. I want my kids to be loving and kind. Which means they need to see me be loving and kind....a million times. Even when it is hard. Even when they know I have a hard time with that person.  Not only do they need to hear it, and see it in action, they need to talk it through. Sometimes that looks like late night conversations with my oldest, or last minute talks with my son as I tuck him in, or random outbursts and blurt outs from my 5 year old while we are in the van driving somewhere. Consistent does not mean saying NO on repeat. It means sticking to what you taught them and helping them learn it from every angle so they really understand it. One definition of consistent is this; acting or done in the same way over time, especially so as to be fair or accurate. It is Fair, to do something the same way over enough time that it becomes part of their nature.

     Now, because of the things I believe in, I also want to add that this process takes a ton of grace and patience. These tiny things under your command are precious, and human. which means that they WILL mess up, have off days and go through year long phases that you spend praying that all your consistency is sticking somewhere. ( Hello year 3!) Correct inappropriate behaviors quickly, but with grace and patience.

     The more often that you let things slide, or allow bad behavior to be rewarded to just to end the tantrum, or choose to put up with something because it isn't that bad....the more work you create for yourself later, and the harder it is for everyone in your family or anyone who is trying to help you sow into your children. Teach your children that their behavior matters more than just because you said so. They are powerful enough even at a young age to affect the environment around them. Teach them how to use that power for good. Kids should not feel like they have to obey just because they are told, there is more to it than that. They need to understand the power of their words, and the power of their choices, which includes consequences.

   Ask yourself, what is important for your children to learn? What kind of adults do you want them to be? Once you know that...work for it. I want my Children to love like Jesus. I want my children to value emotional intelligence as well as conventional intelligence. I want my children to be very aware of what they bring to each interaction, and I want them to add a beauty to this world that is hard to find these days. I want confident, bold and strong kids. I want respectful, polite and forgiving children. Are they going to get it right all the time? Do I? No. But I also know that the more, and consistent effort that I put into them now, the closer they will be to reaching these goals before they are on their own. The fruit of my labors. I am willing to put in the work now, to help set them up to be successful when they reach the point when I am no longer their teacher and leader, but am now more of a guide and sounding board.

   I want to touch lightly on one more point before I end this novel of a blog. Ask. For. Help. Do you see behaviors in someone's children that you would love for your kids to have? Do you notice a relationship between parent and child that you really respect? Are you having a hard time? Go to them and ask! Get to know them, have coffee or lunch together. None of us know it all but some of us have figured out some good things! We are meant to do community together! So let someone in, and  allow them to speak into your life and that of your children! Raising kids calls for backup frequently! (More on building a village on a future blog.) But get out there, and stop being embarrassed that you don't have it all together. Nobody does. You might have something they have been missing too.

Parenting is hard.

The End. :)