Depression and ADD- Let's talk.

I have battled ADD and Chronic Depression for all the years I can remember. When I was 15, I was also diagnosed with Oppositional Defiance Disorder and PTSD. When I first got that diagnosis, I wore it like a cloak. Finally something that defined and explained me! Finally someone made me feel validated and understood. Finally. It was such a relief.

   I had been on anti depression medication already, several different kinds actually. Nothing had helped. I was still failing in school, too anxious to even get out of bed and face the people and the pressure that awaited me there. I missed so many days. I slept every day when I got home. It was all I could do to make it in the door before I would pass out. It was so draining just to do life. It was so hard to feel Joy, or light hearted even. Everything felt so heavy. It was equivalent to running on soft sand. I forgot things constantly, almost instantly. I lost lip gloss, pencils, money, shoes, clothes, keys....basically everything because I was so absent minded when I set it down. I dropped out of High school because by then I had fallen so far behind it felt hopeless to continue. I didn't get my license until I was 17 because I failed the written test 3 times. Once I missed a question, the feeling of failure clouded my mind and added up to more missed questions and another failed test. 

   When I was 16 I chose to change my life and live it better. I gave my life to follow Jesus. I had very little idea what that meant at the time, except that it sounded so much more promising than the life I was currently living. Progress was slow at first. Change came painfully and after much rebelling. However, it did come. By 18 years old I started to even out a bit. I got off medications. I found out about lists and got a little more organized. At 19 I got married to an amazing man. He helped me realize how strong I really was, and introduced me to incredibly Joy. Going to church, singing worship, reading my Bible, all of these things helped me stay level, and light. I still fought depression and ADD. But this time I was winning, and faster than before. I recognized it now, named it, and banished it. ( sometimes this takes me a month, sometimes three days.) 

   At 21 years old, I had my first daughter. I got really sick after that. Physically and Mentally. I spiraled. I think it was postpartum depression, but I didn't know enough then. It took me a very long time to find my feet again. My husband constantly by my side cheering me on, speaking positive truth in my ear to combat the enemy lies. He reminded me that I was powerful and so was God and that I needed to get back to the things that were helping me before. I did, and it helped again. 

  After three more beautiful kiddos, and many other battles with Depression and ADD, I stand before you a 30 year old woman. My faith is the strongest it has ever been. My time studying the Word of God increases every year. I love, now more than ever, times of corporate worship and independent worship. They calm my soul and ground me. 

    I still battle. Today I laid in my bed and cried for 30 min. Because when you have ADD, your emotions get out of control. When you fight depression, sometimes your bed is the initial battle grounds. I also have Endometriosis and the treatment for that is Hormones so... an extra dose of mood swings for someone who already juggles HUGE emotions due to executive functioning impairment. (Google it. I had too.) 

   Days like today I just want to fly away to another state and be alone, so no one else's emotions have to interfere with my own. Days like today, nothing makes sense and I FEEL everything. Today is the day that I recognize what I am feeling again. Today is step one in another battle that I won't quit. Even though I want to. Even though I currently feel like I am losing. I have beaten it before. I will again. And again. 

    I have a daughter. I am teaching her to fight. I am teaching her about big emotions, and a God who saves and transforms. I am teaching her not to quit. She will know that her BIG EMOTIONS, are also a gift. That she has a capacity to love that will amaze her. She will love people deeply, quickly and forever. She will struggle too, but she will also win. She has already fought a few battles with me, and though she is little, she is fierce. 

I fight for myself, and when that is not enough, I fight for my family, for my daughter.

Jesus, I pray against depression, add, odd, ptsd, and other mental illness. I pray for relief from the symptoms, and from the sickness itself. Jesus, I believe in your power and your grace. Clear my mind, lighten my heart, strengthen my resolve. I am your warrior, and am battle weary. Please Lord, lift me again and fight for me. I am yours Jesus. Thank you for the edifying words from my husband, thank you for your still small voice that I can still hear over the lies of the enemy. Thank you for loving me and caring about who I am and what I struggle with. These illnesses do not define me. They are not allowed to run my life. Praise to your name Lord.